Friday, June 26, 2015

David Cameron's Book of Bastards - 28


I can no longer call this my secret diary, as Samantha forgot to pack it for me, and has been reading it. Still, now I'm back from my triumph over Europe, at least I can carry on writing in it. She said it was "jolly nice", which is dashed decent of her.



My speech in this video says all that needs to be said, and I cleverly prevented any "reporters" from asking their clever trick questions by leaving, and making them look as if they couldn't keep up with my superior intellect! 




Britain continues to be made to look Great by me! It is true that none of the leaders I spoke with, some of them for more than a minute, seemed to understand what I was saying, but that will not stop me making a brilliant success of my clever plan.


EU migrants must be prevented from claiming in-work benefits for four years, the same way that we are making sure our own people will have to stand on their own two feet, by removing the foolish safety net of "benefits".

Clearly, we must be fair to everyone. Those with no feet will be proud to stand alongside us in this!

I told the little reporter people, “It has been a long night and we have discussed some very important subjects, but above all I am delighted that the process of British reform and renegotiation and the referendum that we are going to hold – that process is now properly under way … we have started that process.”

Lots of people seem to think I can't get the whole process of reform of the entire Lisbon Agreement done by 2017, when we will have our in out in out in out in out in out referendum. They say it can't be done in time.

Even that common Farage fellow doesn't seem to understand my determination to continue to do impossible things. Champagne time, more later!

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Bad combover championship.

He's not fooling anyone but himself, Prince Charles isn't.

I expect that looks lovely in the mirror, from in front, but one's footman ought to have told one about the bald dome at the back. It's nearly as bad as mine.

Perhaps HRH should hide it with a sort of crown thingy?



 In case you can't tell whose fat neck and bald patch these are, it's Gideon George Osborne. 

Not a very convincing attempt to comb the hair at the front back over it.
Here, however, is the current World Combover Champion.

He sports a parting on each side, from which the hair above is swept up, forward, back... it's probably about ten feet long.

Monday, June 01, 2015

The Dear Leader's Diary, 27th bit.



It appears that I am going to have to have something done about Sir Tim Berners-Lee, who has been going round without permission, saying that there is something wrong with my government giving itself the power to listen to all the phone calls in the country, check every web page everyone looks at, read all the texts and emails everyone sends, and everything else they ever do. Surely, this is the very least we can do, in order to prevent anyone from committing acts of terrorism? I have a God-given duty as a Christian to protect every one of the people of my country from everything they might want to do that I don't approve of. This is how I protect their freedom, and is totally non-negotiable until I change my mind.

People are still saying silly things about me winning my election victory. They are pretending that I am to blame for what they call unfairness in the First Past The Post system, which is absurd. Surely they remember that when they had the chance to choose between this fine system, that has given the country our wonderful new government, and a fairly badly thought out system selected carefully from all the much better ways of voting, they didn't choose the useless AV system? Moaning about all the other ways of doing Proportional Representation isn't going to stop me telling them they had their only chance, and now we can not change.

I have found out that Mr Gove and Mrs May have tricked me into seeming not to care about human rights, which of course, I do. My solution to the problem is obviously far superior to theirs. Instead of pulling out of the European Court of Human Rights, we will just give ourselves the right to ignore it, while saying human rights matter very much to us. That will make everyone happy.


Friday, May 29, 2015

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 26










Everything is going according to the Long Term Plan, which was given to me by my close friend Barry Obama. I was quite surprised to be Prime Minister again, without needing any help from Clegg's Awkward Brigade this time. They lost lots of seats, of course, and I wasn't at all surprised by that, as their supporters all spotted that they had been made to look like idiots by Clegg, who did a brilliant job of pretending to oppose us in 2010.
I've put my Long Term Attack on Human Rights on the back burner (in one of my kitchens, LOL!) for now, and will quietly sneak it into one of the other bills a bit later.
The things I am going to do to the European Community, to improve it include
  • Completing the single market. (George says this matters)
  • Reducing EU red tape, so businesses are not held back by silly "Elf and Safety" rules, and can make bigger profits without worrying about their staff.
  • Making sure that Eurozone decisions do not over-ride the interests of non-Eurozone countries. That's us, of course, but it's also the good old USA. Barry is very keen on something he calls Tea-Tip, which I think is the TTIP agreement that is so important to the big businesses in America. It's business, so it matters.
  • Allowing national parliaments to reject EU laws. 
  • Reforming the budget, so we stop giving so much to farmers. Most of them will still vote for us anyway, because their parents did.
  • Opting out of any commitment to closer union. Britain is a leading nation, and just being part of Team Europe makes us look silly. We need to be part of Team USA!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Dear Leader's Speech - Episode 25



Frankly, today should have been an even greater triumph for me than it was. As every schoolchild should know, and will know under my clever plans for the educational system of this great nation of mine, I am the fifth cousin, twice removed, of her majesty the queen, and a direct illegitimate descendent, via five generations of women, from King William IV. As you can see, he was almost as devastatingly handsome as me. However, I don't mind sharing out privileges, as long as they go to the deserving, hard working, rich people I like to mix with, so I allowed my cousin to wear her expensive crown, and purr her way through the speech I wrote.

Unfortunately, I have included so many important things in my speech that it has been necessary, temporarily, to drop my planned destruction of the Human Rights Act that was so carelessly inflicted on my One Nation at the end of the war. This improvement, giving my grateful subjects a proper Bill of Rights, as demanded by the vast crowds who followed me everywhere during my triumphant re-election campaign, has been put on the back burner in one of my many kitchens, but will reappear when we have worked out how to explain it in a way that everyone will vote for.

Critics have said, and it shows how tolerant I am, that they are still at liberty to say such undemocratic things, that I will be likely to make the question for the in out in out in out referendum on Europe so complex that some of the simpler kind of English
people, who have not benefited from going to Eton, will not be able to comprehend the three split infinitives and two self contradictions in the question, and will accidentally vote 110% for what I want, which is for us to stay in Europe, and be in charge of all decision making, instead of voting the way our friends in UKIP would prefer.

Knowing that they will not have any way to prevent our much needed further cuts in the wildly over-generous benefits the state provides, the few remaining Liberal Democrats will not like my Full Employment and Welfare Benefits Bill, which will somehow force the creation of two million new jobs and five million new apprenticeships, but at the same time reduce the maximum possible benefits to £23,000 and ensure nobody can claim them. Especially not the young, who will have to "earn or learn" and won't be able to claim housing benefit, leaving it to be claimed by older people, who are much better at passing it on to their hard working landlords.

The sun is well over the yard-arm now, so I will complete these notes after I have celebrated with a case or two of properly expensive champagne with George and a few of my other millionaire chums...